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Monday, 16 March 2015 15:58

13 LDS Midsingle Articles of Faith

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Let's face it: the LDS midsingles world is a complicated conglomeration of faith and fun, uplifting moments and crushing disappointments. And while there are plenty of jokes to be made, spiritual experiences to share and experiences we love to cherish (and other we can't wait to forget), the truth is that we all have to stick together during this period in our lives. 

That being said, some midsingles want to live in the neighborhood of Singlesville a bit too long. The goal of every midsingle should be to move out of this community as soon as possible. And by possible, I include all the no-brainer qualifications: finding a worthy companion who respects you and the Lord and desires to cherish you both through honoring their covenants.  

But I digress. We have to laugh at ourselves sometimes as Latter-day Saints and I can't think of a more humor-filled era of this life than the LDS midsingles world. I would know, I've been in it for far too long so based on my years of experience (my dad is shaking his head), here are the 13 Midsingle Articles of Faith. And yes, read this with a large grain of salt and a healthy sense of humor. 

  1. We believe in dances, more dances and occasionally bowling, movies, and dinners.
  2. We believe that midsingles will be punished by their exes for their past transgressions.
  3. We believe that through the use of Tinder, Facebook and LDSPlanet our hopes for romance may be saved, by obedience to the gratuitous use of friend requests, pokes and flirts.
  4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of midsingle dating are: first, scout them at a social event; second, stalk their Facebook profile; third, ask our friends about them; and fourth, laying on of hands for a possible NCMO.
  5. We believe that a man must call a woman at some point, a point neither man nor women understand nor know, if he ever wants to enjoy the laying on of hands by her authority to preach sweet nothings and administer to her cuddling requirements. 
  6. We believe in the same dating organization that has always existed in the Church, namely a mixture of slackers and serious daters, girls who want just free meals and those who want true love, and so forth.
  7. We believe in the gift of tongues (i.e. “Soul Kissing”), Linger Longers, party hopping, updating our Facebook status in Sacrament, and so forth.
  8. We believe gossip to be the word of the day as far as past events are misconstrued correctly; we also believe that we don’t gossip at all about anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
  9. We believe that we will click “Maybe” on every Facebook event we are invited to, all that we will someday be invited to, and we believe that we will continue to be non-committal to many great and important events yet to be planned until we have evaluated all our social options.
  10. We believe in the literal gathering of midsingle Israel at every dance under the sun; that the 31-45+s of Zion will build their social lives upon the dance floor; that the social scene will be the arena in which they will hold themselves back from progressing because they are too busy having fun in its social paradisiacal glory.
  11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to whichever ward our friends want to attend on Sunday and allow all midsingle men and women the same privilege, let them worship how, where or what they may.
  12. We believe in being subject to Cable Jakins and, in obeying and honoring, and sustaining his social planning efforts.
  13. We believe in being mostly honest in our dating profiles as we chase benevolent members of the opposite sex and in doing good to all men as long as there are snacks involved or dating opportunities present; indeed, we follow the admonition of Paul – We believe all things we hear, we hope all snacks will be covered, we have endured many bad dates, and we hope to be able to endure all bad dates. If there is anyone virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek desperately after these things…only to find that he or she is taking a break from dating.

In need of some more humor? Well, how about some scriptural advice on how to find a spouse (Sisters, you may have to do some mental editing to make this work for finding a husband):

  • Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)
  • Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)
  • Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  • Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  • Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)
  • Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)
  • Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)
  • Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  • When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  • Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  • A wife?--Paul (1st Corinthians, chapter 7)
Jeremy C. Holm

Author & American athlete Jeremy C. Holm has spent over half his life in the fast-paced winter sport of bobsled, including as the Head Coach for the US Adaptive Bobsled Team. He has a degree in Journalism and is pursuing a degree in Military History at the American Military University. In addition to motivational speaking and corporate appearances around the world, Jeremy is the author of three books and spends his time camping, hiking, writing and trying to make history, one day at a time.

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